This Is How Much It Hurts
by CrazyMary01
Summary: Kendall Knight is lost in his world of darkness. However it's only because of Logan Mitchell. Whose the biggest man whore in the school, who looks him over as he's nothing. To make matters worse Logan also happens to be his best friend. So begging to feel relief he turns to his razor for support. But when happens when Logan reveals both of Kendall's hidden secrets.
1. First Door Unlocked

**Author's Note: Please be gentle it's my first time taking a crack at the Kogan ship. However if you think everything needs to be improved do not hesitate to say so. I take critisiam fairly well. However if you just come out and I say I hate your story without a valid explanation I probably won't appearciate that much well let's see how this story goes- Never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**

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Chapter One First Door Unlocked

I watched as he made his way down the hall. The newly formed cuts on my arm began to ache. They were begging, begging for me to take the pain away from my heart, begging for me to do anything that I could so that I could go on living without the pain of seeing him every day, and knowing I'll never be more than a friend.

I looked through my backpack making my way towards the bathroom. Just one more clean cut. That should be enough to make me through the day.

"Hey Kendall," he screamed. Damn make that two.

"H-Hey Logan," I stuttered out.

"Where you running too Knight? We still have like thirty minutes before class."

"Oh well just going to the bathroom. You know having a weak bladder and all."

"Well hurry up, and get your ass back here in five minutes. I have someone I want you to meet."

"Will do," I replied walking away desperately wanting to escape my best friend's presence. The more he was around the more I needed my razor, and the more blood I wanted to flow. When I was in the bathroom I quickly ran into a stall. I dug through my backpack till I found one of the small blades I had broken out of one of the old shaving razors in the bathroom. It had become dull in the past few months sense I had been using it more frequently.

I dug in hard as I drew it across my wrist. Like I said the razor had become dull within the last few months. I needed my blood to flow. Little scratches just wouldn't do. I sighed to myself as the blood trickled down my arm. I was starting to feel slightly content again. I drew the razor across my scared wrist one more time before sitting back on the wall of the stall, and applying pressure to my bloody arm with toilet paper. Once it was done bleeding, I threw the bloody tissue in the toilet.

It was moments like this where U felt like a useless coward. The only reason I do all of this was because Logan Mitchell, my best friend in the entire world, was my secret love interest. True he had shown no interest in me, in fact, he was the biggest ladies man in all the school. He had dated an uncountable number of women, and had slept with even more. Even though I knew all of this, and on top of that I knew he was straight, I couldn't help but feel something for him.

No one knows that I like him, just simply because I hadn't exactly told anyone that I'm bisexual. I had no one to turn to with this. I couldn't tell my mom, she was more than a little homophobic. I couldn't tell my dad, he probably would cut off every tie I have for him, and abandon me more than he already did, and I certainly couldn't tell Logan. That would be more than idiotic.

The only things I confided my secrets in were me, my wrist, and my trusted razor.

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It was way past five minutes when I made my way out of the bathroom. No surprise that when I entered into the hall Logan was already there waiting for me.

"Damn man, what took you so long? Are you like constipated or something?" I plastered on my face the fake smile I had mastered oh se well.

"The line at the sinks was long," I lied.

"Well because you took so long you didn't get to meet my new girlfriend Cally." My heart shattered a little more. Oh well my razor would stitch it up latter. "She had to go to class. You'll just have to meet her at lunch.

"Great," I replied, at least I could pretend to be happy right?

"And I'm coming over later. We have a huge project in Biology, and I don't get it." I nodded already making my way to class. I would worry about the pain later.

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When I returned home from school I quickly made my way to my room to hide anything Logan might've been curious to look at. I hid my journal for one. I wouldn't want him reading about all the secret desires I felt foe him. I hid multiple bloody razors that I had yet to clean, as well as the long sleeved shirt that I had stained the day before.

Once it was all done I figured it would be best to take of the pain now. I quickly ran to my bathroom with a shiny razor in hand ready to do the deed. I didn't have to push very hard. The razor I held was still fairly sharp. I welcomed the pain that shot through my arm.

It spread throughout my body, and I couldn't help but sigh. This may not have fully taken away the pain. But it sure as hell helped me numb it. I grabbed the towel I had hidden. I decided I only wanted to use in one incase there was a chance my mom would get suspicious about the blood stained wash cloths.

I wrapped my wrist tightly. This cut was deeper than two previous cuts I had made in the day. I must have been sitting on the bathroom floor for at least twenty minutes before the flow even slowed down. I knew I hadn't hit an artery. I made sure to research where it was located after I had made my first cut.

"Kendall." I looked into my bedroom to notice that I hadn't closed my bathroom door. Logan stared at my wrist then at my bloody razor with his mouth open shocked. I was shocked myself though not for the same reason. He looked around and his eyes locked with the bloody towel wrapped around my wirst.

"You should leave Logan." I said slightly angry. He finally took his eyes away from wrist to look into my eyes. He only said one thing.

"Why?" Oh boy did I have an explanation for him.

**Author's note: I will try to get another chapter out before the end of the night. It's usually what I do when I start a story. If I don't get it out tonight I should for sure have it out by tomorrow. Well review, and let me know if you would like me to continue- Never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**


	2. A Fake Plead For Help

**Author's Note: Hey guys as promised the second chapter is being uploaded today. I will try to update as soon as possible. Mid-terms are coming at school, and I need to be on top of studying. It may be about 4-7 days before I update again. Well that may actually be a normal update for me. Well just letting you know why I won't be giving an update for a while. Well this author's note was kind of awkwardly worded- Never let you imagination die CrazyMary01.**

Chapter 2- A Fake Plead for Help.

"Why, are you seriously asking me why?" I asked slightly outraged. True the biggest reason had been hidden from him. However it wasn't the only reason why I felt my life was a complete mess. I wouldn't mention reason one, but I could certainly mention the other reasons. He just stared at me. I through the bloody towel back in its hiding place. The cuts for sure had stopped bleeding by now.

"Let's see Logan. My dad has pretty much abandoned me. I know that happened when I was like four but it hurts more when at first you were blind to the obvious. I can't tell my mom anything because she'll hate me if I let it slip out that I'm bisex-"I stopped. I had said too much. I slapped my head in frustration. I looked at Logan to see he was no longer looking me in the face. His eyes had drifted down to the Converse High Tops on his feet.

"I wasn't supposed to say that." It came out a little calmer than I was actually feeling. We were in an awkward silence after that. I looked away from Logan and began to clean up the blood stained on my arm. He sat on the toilet. His face looked as if it were deep in thought. He was probably considering wither or not he should hate me for being a gay freak. Living in Sherwood, Minnesota most people were against gays. Logan had been raised to think that, and Kendall was raised to believe it and express it any way possible, as were most of his peers at school.

` "Why weren't telling me any of this." He whispered. Let's see because I am unconditionally in love with you, and now you probably hate me because I like guys.

"You, and I both know your parents would flip there top, and hate mw. They brought you up to hate the gay society."

"You're not technically gay Kendall. You're only half gay. Needless to say I wasn't just talking about you being b- about you being-"

"Bisexual Logan just spit the word out."

"I'm sorry it's just impossible to believe."

"Why"

"I don't know I just- ever since your balls dropped you've been acting pretty straight."

"I still like girls Logan. Bisexual means I am attracted to both males, and females, "I told him I was starting to get slightly annoyed. However I was going to cut him slack. I could tell that this whole situation was becoming more than a little awkward for him.

"Whatever I don't care what you are Kendall. I just, I meant why haven't you told me about everything." He looked up. I was beginning to see tears form in his chocolate brown eyes. "I thought you trusted me Kendall. I thought I was your best friend. I could've helped you with your abandonment issues. I was there once too." I looked down. That was true. Logan's dad had up, and walked away just like mine. Although Logan can hardly even remember his dad. He hasn't seen him sense the day he had walked out the door. My eyebrows pushed together, and my cuts began to sting.

"I'm sorry Logan," I whispered "I know you probably hate me now for being bi-"

"Kendall I don't hate you. You're my best friend I could never hate you." He whispered I stayed quiet not really knowing what to say. Part of me wished he could just say that he hated me. Then maybe I wouldn't have to live with the pain of loving someone I can't have from day to day "Can I see?" he asked grabbing my wrist. I should be screaming no because this one little touch was driving me insane.

Of course he had no idea that I was freaking out on the inside. Despite something in my brain practically screaming to say no I nodded my head. He flipped my arm over, and looked.

The new cut was bleeding slightly. The old scars were completely visible. Some of the slightly older cuts were beginning to scab over. He looked at my forever damaged wrist for what seemed to be twenty minutes. I heard a sob escape from his lips, and then he finally looked me in the eyes.

The tears that had been polling were now rolling down his cheeks. I wanted to wipe them away but I figured that it would make everything to obvious so I resisted the urge to reach my hand forward.

"Kendall do you care if you die?" he asked. The question kind of took me by surprise although I knew the answer right away.

"Not really." He looked me in the face the tears strolling down his cheeks even harder.

"Well I do," he screamed. "Kendall you're my best friend. I know I've said that a lot all ready but I don't care. If I lose you I will have no idea what to do. Please Kendall just stop. I love you." I knew he meant I love you as a friend, and it made my heart clench. My arm was begging for blood to pour out from my veins. Was I really ready to give up my razor, and to tell Logan everything? I sat and pondered for a minute.

"How am I supposed to stop?" I ask blankly.

"Kendall we'll get you the help you need. Just please try." I went back to my ponderings. I knew that lying to my best friend was wrong. However keeping my final secret was more important.

"Logie, I want help." I tried my best to sound sincere, even though this was the biggest lie of my life. "Please Logan, I need help." I pleaded. If he was happy, and I could pretend to stop and be happy for a while everything will be okay.

**Author's Note: Wow I made Kendall kind of a douche there didn't I. Well anyways. I wasn't actually going to have Kendall say anything about being Bisexual, but I am actually from Minnesota, and I remembered that the election we just had here in Minnesota there was something for marriage amendment being between a man and a woman only, and I kind of wanted to make a statement with it because the amendment did not pass, and now here in Minnesota you have the right to marry whoever you want. I just wanted to do something to let the world know that if it weren't for people who had thought like Logan I wouldn't be able to have freedom for being bisexual myself to marry someone of the same sex, so in a way this chapter was kind of really special for me to write. Well sorry I was kind of rambling there- Never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**


	3. I Bet You Had No Idea

**Author's Note: Hey guys sorry I haven't updated. As a reward to my readers for being so patient I am going to try and update ALL my fan fictions tonight. I might even start a new story. Be sure to check them out. Well here you go chapter 3- Never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**

Chapter Three- I Bet You Had No Idea

I'm not sure how long Logan, and I had sat there on the bathroom floor together until I had decided it was time to get up. I pulled him to my room.

"Come on. I thought we had a huge biology project that you didn't I understand."

"Well that's true, but I think we have something a little bit more important oh our hands Kenny."

"Like what?" I replied.

"Like the fact I just figured out my best friend cuts himself, and didn't say anything. Now this is going to sound a little gay, I mean sorry not that it's a bad thing because your bi, and all-"

"It's okay Logan I understand you're not totally used to it yet."

"Well I think we need to have confession time you know just us two. We need to be the best of friends again. We can't be best friends and have secrets between us." I sat on my bed next to him.

"So," he began after a minute. "When did you figure out that you were- well that you- When did you figure out you were Bisexual?" When I fell in love with Logan, but I couldn't really tell him that could I? After all there were two secrets I must keep hidden from him.

"When I was fourteen." I answered.

"And when do you start cutting?"

"When I was fourteen and a half."

"Wow that's almost th-three and a half years." He gulped. His face shifted. He looked a little embarrassed "I wasn't expecting it to have been going on for so long. Maybe only a month or two." I could tell the reason he felt so uncomfortable was because I was kind of nonchalant about the whole situation. He didn't bother to ask why I was cutting. I covered that for him back in the bathroom. At least he thinks I did.

"So um how many times did you- well you know take a razor across your wrist?'

"Well at first it was like once a week. Now I do it about twice a day every day." I heard him gasp.

"So when you went to the bathroom this morning were you really going to-"I nodded knowing he wouldn't be able to get the question pass his teeth. I could tell he was trying not to freak out for me. The way he grinded his teeth, and pushed his eyebrows together was a dead give-away. However part of me kind of wished he would freak out. Maybe then I could get rid of the somewhat perfect image of him in my head.

"We need to get you help as soon as possible." He said.

"What about you?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you keeping any secrets?"

"Well I suppose that there's one. But I'm not sure I want to tell you with the emotional state that your currently in."

"Logan I can't be the only one who has to open up here. Tell me your little secret."

"Well it was just one time, while you were in the shower. Um well I kind of." He closed his eyes. It only made me more interested in the secret. He continued to stutter it out.

"Come on Mitchell, just spit it out."

"I had sex with your sister." He finally said. My jaw dropped, my fists clenched, my eyes went wide, and most importantly my heart shattered to nothing.

"YOU HAD SEX WITH KATIE!" I screamed "WHEN?'

"Well I-it happened last week as I said while you were in the shower." I saw his brown eyes flicker with just a little bit of fear. "Why are getting so mad dude we both had our secrets, and now they can be out on the table." He didn't understand. I wasn't angry because he had sex with my sister. I was angry because I wanted it to be me. I was jealous of my fifteen year old sister.

"BECAUSE IT WAS MY FUCKING SISTER. DO YOU HA VE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I ALREADY HIRT FROM THE SLUTS THAT'S YOU'VE SLEPT AROUND WITH, AND HOW MANY OF THESE," I pulled up my sleeve to reveal the scars on my arm "WERE BECAUSE OF YOU? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY NIGHTS I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP OVER YOU. THE ONLY WAY I HAD KEPT GOING WAS TO CUT, AND THEN SAY TO MYSELF SHE WAS ONLY A QUICK FUCK FOR HIM ANYWAYS. I CAN'T TELL MYSELF THAT ANYMORE. KATIE MUST'VE MEANT MORE THAN A CASUAL FUCK TO YOU LOGAN. YOU'VE ALWAYS TREATED HER LIKE A SISTER. THERE'S NO WAY YOU WANT TO HURT HER. YOU'VE GONE BACK FOR SECONDS PN HE HAVEN'T YOU?"" my voice became horse from all the yelling and I knew I wouldn't be able to say much of anything tomorrow. He looked down at the floor which gave me the answer to my last question.

"Logan I just have one more question" My voice had quieted down at least ten fold "Do you have any Idea how madly in love I am with you." He averted his eyes from the floor to my face. His mouth was slightly opened, and his brown eyes help fear and bewilderment in them "Yeah well I am." He didn't say anything he just sat there quiet. Looking at me in shock. "Hey I'm going to take a shower. If you want to fuck my sister again, try not to be too loud I don't want to have to make another scar." Okay that was a dirty card to play, but I had played it well. I walked into the bathroom and right before I slammed the door I said one more thing "If you want to leave be my guest you know how to get to the door." I started the shower, and grabbed my razor. This time I wasn't only going to make a cut. Oh no I would do much more than that. Tonight I would be taking my last breath.

**Author's Note: I will try to update sooner. School's been so hectic lately. Well until Next Time- Never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**


	4. How I Really Feel

**Author's Note: Happy Holidays! Your present is this chapter. YAY! Alright here you go Chapter Four- Never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**

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Chapter Four- How I Really Feel

The water trickled down my back as I tried to get my heart beat under control. I picked the razor up, and brought it to my already bloody wrist. I had made multiple new cuts already and the ones on my arms from this morning were cut back open. I shuddered at the pleasure the Razor was giving me. All a sudden the door flew open and the shower curtain was pushed aside. Logan grabbed my arms and through me over his shoulder, not even bothering to look at the pain he had inflicted.

"Let me go asshole!" I screamed.

"Sorry Kenny. No can do." He replied throwing me on my bed. He went into the bathroom. Shutting off the water, and he returned with a towel from the supply closet. He knelt down beside me, and took my wrist.

"Let me at least put on some clothes. I'm stark naked here."

"Kendall I've seen your junk before. This is more important than you wearing clothes."

"It's winter in Minnesota, if I get sick because of the temperature in this damn house it's on you."

"Fine put on some fucking clothes and get back here." I got up from where I sat on the bed. Why was I even listening to him? What I needed to do was get away with a razor and slit my throat or the artery in my wrist which ever makes me die quicker. I grabbed a pair of boxers out of the dresser along with some pajama pants.

"Kendall hurry up I need to take care of you." My heart clenched. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and ask him just what the hell he was doing to me. Why was he doing this to me? It was bad enough he knows how I feel about him. "Kendall," he screamed, "stop standing there looking at the pajama pants and put them on."

"Why are you doing this Logan?" I asked

"Because I'm your best friend."

"Last time I checked best friends don't sleep with my fifteen year old sister. She just started high school Logan. Were Juniors for Christ Sake?"

"Look I'm sorry I didn't know sleeping with your sister was any worse than cutting yourself for the past three years."

"Two and a half."

"Whatever Kendall. It doesn't make a difference how long."

"Please Logan this just hurts me more just please get out."

"Forget it. There's no way I'm leaving" My eyebrows scrunched together in frustration. I was beginning to get pissed.

"Why do you care?"

"I care a shit load Kendall. "You're my best friend I don't know what I would ever do without you." I heard a sob escape his throat "Kendall please," There were tears in his eyes now. I would be lying if I had said that those tears didn't break my already shattered heart. However I didn't act. I had become good at hiding my emotion the past two and half years, and I wasn't about to give in. I had to stand my ground. I could use the your my best friend card all he wanted.

Or least I think I'm still his best friend. I'm not so sure what you could call us anymore if that really could be the case. I mean I was pissed at him still for sleeping with my sister, and now he was lying this. I looked away from him and looked down at my arm to see that it was still a bloody mess.

"Fine don't answer me, but get your shoes on. Some of those cuts might need stiches." He screamed grabbing his keys off my bed.

"It'll heal just fine. You didn't give me enough time to cut an artery."

"What do you mean I "didn't give you enough time"?" He asked "Kendall what were you about to do in there?

"Does it matter?"

"Well yeah I think it does"

"Well if I wanted to cut an artery open what do you think?"

"Kendall," he sobbed. "Why, why?" His knees went week and he feel to the floor. His eyes held fear in them but now it was a different reason.

"Do you not remember what I told you before I ran into the shower?" He thought for a minute there on the floor wiping the fresh tears from his eyes. He averted his eyes to my face when suddenly everything clicked and I saw a light bulb go off in his head.

"K-Kendall."

"Look I know you don't feel the same way okay, but it doesn't feel great to know the man that that- That you're in love with sleeps around with anything that doesn't have a dick. And as I said before how I survived was knowing all those girls didn't really mean anything to you. That is of course until I figured out you had sex with Katy. More than once that is. There's no way Katy could've only been a casual fuck. You treat her to much like family. So now I know that maybe even some of the other girls you slept with you may have generally cared about. It hurts knowing that you can't feel that way about me Logan." I had tears in my eyes now. Even after I had fought so hard to hold them back, it made me feel weak. "I get it okay you're not gay, and there's no way you can ever feel like that about me, I just- I don't know what to do anymore. But I can't go on living craving for something that I can't have. However it makes everything harder when I have constantly be in your presence. That's why I started cutting, and now that you know how I feel I just- there's no reason to live because you'll know that I'm pretending to be happy for you and whatever slut you have next." I took a deep breathe, and ran my hand through my wet hair to collect myself.

"I just I don't want to do anymore Logan. I'm sick of this." I screamed "I don't want to love you."

"Kendall I do generally care about you." He said. He was crying to. At least I wasn't the only one breaking because if this.

"Not the way I want you too." I replied. "I have to get out of here." I said running. Nowhere in particular I just was hoping maybe my wanted death would be waiting for me where ever it was.

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**Author's Note: Please review I'm not so sure how I feel about this chapter. I feel like I made Kendall just take over the scene just a little too much. Well until next time- Never Let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**


	5. Here's To You

**Author's Note: Alright Just wanted to let you all know that it may be a while before I update this story. I've been working on a new fan fiction dedicated to and I want to give my full attention to the first chapter because right now I have a HUGE writers block. So enjoy your chapter as you read I will be making spaghetti, salad, and garlic bread. BEST DINNER EVER!**

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Chapter Five- Here's To You

I ran out the house and into the streets ignoring the screams coming from Logan within the place I called home.

"Kendall Please!" He shouted I continued to run not caring anymore. I wanted everything gone. I want everything stopped. "Kendall" he screamed again. This time he was on the side walk and I was still running away my back turned away from him. As I started getting farther and farther his screams faded and then finally after what felt like hours I heard nothing except for my shoes hitting the pavement. My running slowed into a jog as I felt my body beginning to push it's self past its physical limit. I sat on the side walk not really knowing or caring exactly where I was. Tears began to wreck through my body and I suddenly felt sick. I fell over unto the grass beside the sidewalk and began to puke my guts out.

I looked around to see darkness was beginning to fall around Sherwood Minnesota. I let out a shaky deep breath as the tears continued to fall. I wanted to cut myself again. However because I ran out of the house once I had my shirt, and shoes, and jacket on I didn't think about taking the time to grab one of my trusted razor. I searched through the pockets in my jacket in hopes of finding just a little cash so I could go buy a shaving razor from the corner store across the street.

I was in luck. I had exactly 5 dollars and fifty cents. That should be enough to buy a pack of razors. I walked across the street and grabbed what I needed. Once I purchased the razors I walked around back to an ally and slumped behind a dumpster. I grabbed the razors from the bag and opened the package. Breaking a single blade out took a little longer than I had hoped. However I managed. I brought the sharp razor to my wrist just wanting to slit my artery right here right now. I was ready to die. I wanted to die.

"Hey kid I don't know what the hell you think you're doing but you better get the hell off my property," I turned around to see a woman standing outside the house. "Well don't just stand there. Shoo, shoo"

"Sorry Ma'am" I muttered getting up from the ground and walking farther down the alley. Once I got to the end I had no idea where I was at all but I just continued to walk straight until I came to the park. Well I hadn't gone far from home if I was able to end up at my middle school playground. I sat on a swing and took the razor out of my pocket. As I was walking down the alley I came up with a little game.

One cut I'm worthless,

Two cuts I love someone I can't have,

Three Cuts I'm pathetic,

Four Cuts Logan thinks I'm pathetic,

Five Cuts I can't end my stupid life already,

Six cuts the pain is still there

Seven cuts I'm a coward

I had continued to name all the things I hated until my entire arm was covered in cuts and blood all the way up to my forearm. I was ready now. I brought the razor to where my artery laid.

"Kendall!" I heard. I looked around and saw no one. I laughed I can hear his voice clearly ringing in my head "Kendall, Kendall." I laugh to myself. Hearing his voice could make my death a little more peaceful. I decided to listen a little longer. "Please Kendall." He screamed again. I smiled as I brought the razor inch by inch closer to my arm. Every time the blade moved his voice became louder. "Kendall," it screamed. I sliced the blade hadn't hit it quiet right. "Please Kendall," I heard in the distance I looked to see a figure inching its way closer by the second to where I had seated myself on the swing set.

The figure looked much like Logan. I smiled again. Seeing him (even if it was all in my head) would make my death even sweeter. I brought the razor to my wrist again. "Here's to you Logan." I whispered. The blade slashed across my wrist and I smiled. That was it I had hit just right. The blood poured from my wrist and the smile grew wider as my head began to feel dizzy, and I fell off the swing unto the cold hard ground.

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Logan's P.O.V **(A/N this probably will be the only time this happens)**

"Kendall" I screamed, Fresh tears in my eyes as darkness completely covered the sky. "Kendall, Kendall" I screamed louder. I was desperately trying to find him. He didn't even give me a chance to say anything. I had continued walking until I reached my old middle school I remembered this park. Me and Kendall had countless adventures and made promise after promise to each other. "Kendall," I tried again. I looked to the swings and saw a figure in a coat with something in his hand inching forward to his wrist. Please don't be Kendall, but somehow I knew it was. "Please Kendall" I screamed and his head snapped around I began running, and I could see smile on his face as he slashed his wrist again and fell to the ground.

I rushed grabbing out my phone dialing 911 just wanting to get to my Kendall.

"911 what's you emergency?"

"Get to Fowell Middle School now. My friend is hurt and I don't have time to explain just get an ambulance here while we still have a chance to save him" I hung up the phone before the lady could argue. I had finally reached my dear Kendall.

"Kendall, Kendall" I sobbed fresh tears stinging my eyes again as I saw his arm that still had blood spewing out of his wrist. I knew he had done it and had slit his artery. I looked at his face, and saw a grin plastered there.

"Logan," he whispered his voice already weak. "I love you," he whispered as his eyes closed

"No dammit," I screamed "You stay with me." I held him close as the blood from his arm stained my jacket, and the surrounding snow. "Please Kendall" I pleaded, however it was no use. I knew his time was very precious although I was sure he could still hear what I was saying. So incase this was the last time I would ever see him I lowered my lips to his own. "I love you too." I whispered before placing them lightly against his. I could hear the sirens, but I couldn't see them. My vision was to blurry with tears. I held my Kendall closer. I had a feeling that this would be my only and last time to do so.

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**Author's Note" Remember to review, and when I said that it would be a while I meant like a week at the least. I'm hoping that will give me enough time to clear my writers block on this story. Then I will begin to focus on this one as well, Never let your imagination die- CrazyMary01**


	6. The Silence Is Killing Both of Us

**Author's Note: Hey guys first off I wanted to inform you that my new story is up. It's called Broken Down in Kentucky but since the new story is up that's right NEW CHAPTER BABY! Be sure to read and review and I decided that the story will be in Logan's P.O.V for a few chapters. Well here you go never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**

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Chapter 6- The Silence is Killing Both of Us.

I paced around the waiting room just wondering when someone was going to tell me something vital and important on Kendall's health status. The doctor continually told me "We're working on it, and we'll let you know when there's a change." However it wasn't good enough I wanted to know if my Kendall was going to be okay now!

"Take a seat Logan." Jennifer Knight whispered "It could be worse if you had never found him in the park." I reluctantly sat down next to her. If I wouldn't have walked into his life and became his best friend the situation would've never have happened. When Kendall had said that he loved me I was totally ready to say "get over it dude, I'm not gay." However when I looked Kendall in the face everything suddenly became different. I was shocked I didn't know what to say partially because I had come to the realization that I loved him too. It could've been possible I loved him even more then he proclaimed to love me.

To make matters worse he probably won't even remember anything. He won't remember me kissing him on the lips and saying I love him. Hell he may not even remember me. He did hit his head pretty hard when he fell.

My train of thought stopped dead when a man in a white coat walked over to us. My eyes went wide and it took all my strength not to burst out of the chair and run straight to the doctor to beg just to see him.

"Ms. Knight, Doctor Freemen," he said extending his hand. She shook it gently.

"Any news," she asked in reply.

"Yes, Ms. Knight your sun is in a coma. He must've hit his head too hard when he fell off the swing and he passed out before the ambulance could get to him, and now even after the proper amount of blood and stiches he won't wake up, or respond to anything" The blood drained from my face. I looked at the doctor in the eye and could tell he wasn't finished and that there was more.

"And," I pressed. I had a feeling he was looking for a sign to continue.

"Well we think there's only a 30% that he'll ever wake up and with your permission I would like to put a time on it. We can keep him here for four months at the most. After that if there is no activity then we were going to pull the plug. We are actually extending the time we usual give with this little of a chance and,-" I couldn't hear what he was saying any more the words "pull the plug" was ringing to loudly through my head.

I wanted to get up and punch something. I wished that I was dreaming so that when I punched the wall I would suddenly wake up, and I would see my blonde eye beauty staring back with a smile on his face. However I knew no matter how many times I punched the wall it wasn't going to happen. I saw Ms. Knight nod with tears in her eyes as she passed over the consent form, and I wanted to scream. I wouldn't have put a time limit on it I would've made sure I was there with Kendall till the end. He was strong even if it was passed four months he would wake up eventually wouldn't he?

"Let me see him." I practically screamed.

"Logan, he won't respond to anything" Ms. Knight told me "I'm sure seeing him won't make you fe-"

"Dammit let me see him!" I screamed again.

"Room 725" The doctor told me. I nodded and began to make my way past the doors into my lovely Kendall's room. There he laid colorless in the stage between being dead and alive. I kneeled next to him, and held his limp hand in mine, as tears began to flow down my cheek for the millionth time that night. The only thing running through my mind "Please Kendall Please just wake up."

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3 Months Later

I stared at Kendall again just wishing he would wake up. I hadn't left his side all weekend. I was a constant visitor. I had visited even more than his mother. I looked at his bedside table where kids had brought flowers and pictures for him. I didn't like that it reminded me too much of a grave site. Whenever one heard Kendall only had four months from the time they put him on life support to wake up they began acting as if he was already dead. I hated it. Kendall wasn't dead at least not yet.

The thought of the stupid doctor pulling the plug in 4 weeks was heart breaking. Even though the thought crossed my mind a countless number of times it still brought tears to my eyes. I walked over to Kendall and I grabbed his hand.

"Why Kendall, Why!" I screamed. "Why didn't you wait just a little while longer so that I could say I love you too? Why did you have to be so stupid? Now it hurts even more because you can't talk hell you can't even hear me. It's killing me Kendall! Why can't you just wake up?" I cried when suddenly I felt something grab my hand. I looked down to Kendall's hand and I saw eye lashes begin to flutter.

"L-Logan" he said as his eyes opened completely. I couldn't believe it. Thank whatever god it was that brought him back to me.

"Kendall" I whispered

"Where am I?"

"Kendall" I shouted "Doctors, doctors come on quickly" I yelled out the door.

"What is it Logan?" Doctor Freeman asked. "He's awake! He's awake! Kendall's awake." The doctor came running when the words left my mouth.

"What the hell is going on?" Kendall yelled from behind me. The doctor looked through the door.

"Call Ms. Knight the doctor whispered to his assistant." She smiled and returned as the doctor came into the room.

"Kendall you're awake."

"Well duh but why does everyone keep saying that."

"You've been in a coma for past three months son." The doctor said looking at his clip board. "Tell me how much do you remember."

"I remember absolutely nothing."

"Excuse me sir, but don't you think we should wait till his mother gets him to question him." I cut in. I wanted some alone time with him. The doctor just smiled and walked away. "You fucking idiot!" I screamed once the door was shut. "Do you have any idea the hell of been through the past month all because you had to go and do this shit" I screamed pointing at the scar on his wrist. I leaned over him. "I know you don't remember but maybe this will help clear a few questions up." I smiled as I leaned forward to touch my lips to his. I knew he probably wouldn't kiss back considering he thinks loving me was still a secret. He did say he remembered nothing. I pulled away.

"What the hell was that?" He screamed.

"Kendall you told me you loved me, and I love you too."

"I don't know what you're talking about Logan but I'm not in love with you or Gay."

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**Author's Note: I was going to save the three months thing for the next chapter but the other part was only like six hundred words. I thought that was too short and I liked the way it was worded so I didn't want to add or change anything. So I sort of just combined the two chapters I had into one. Well be sure to review will try to update soon- Never let your imagination die. CrazyMary01**


	7. I Know It All

**Author's Note: Thank you all so much for the reviews last chapter I know I shocked a few people and maybe even some of you are confused. But those who are confused it'll all pull together in the first few paragraphs. Well here you go another chapter. - Never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**

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Chapter Seven- I Know It All

"What do you mean you have no idea what I'm talking about?" Logan screamed. It took all I had not to cry because here I was wasting a perfect opportunity to kiss him, and love him. However I knew he didn't really love me. He just feels responsible for my attempted suicide and therefore feels he owes something to me.

He doesn't get to play with my heart because he feels guilty. Once the doctors told me I had been in a coma for three months I knew coma victims on occasion if they wake up loose there memory and I thought hey now is my chance to crawl under a rock. So when Logan kissed me I didn't hesitate to ask what the hell he was talking about.

"I mean I don't know what you're talking about Logan. Look bud, "I said using a nonchalant tone of voice. "I think you're confused. You should go home, and get some rest."

"Kendall Donald Knight, I am not confused you are. You, before you, before you went and cut yourself you said you loved me, and I love you too Kendall." My heart clenched and my scared wrist ached. However being in a coma hadn't made me forget how to hide emotion. I was thankful for that.

"I don't know what you want me to say Logan." I wanted to cry so bad when the words left my mouth but I knew I couldn't. He would call my bluff faster than lightening can strike.

"Don't say anything. Just let me help you remember." What exactly did he mean by that? He walked closer to me and leaned over me again. My breath hitched in my throat as he leaned closer, and closer and I couldn't help but let him place his lips against mine. As his lips moved against mine my heart began to swell with desire and love. That's why I had to stop it before he noticed I was kissing back. I let my jaw hang slack as his lips moved against mine in a messy fashion, and then he pulled away. There were tears in his eyes.

I didn't think that my heart could possibly break anymore but when I looked into his eyes I felt another crack slip into a few shards of what was left.

"I- I'm sorry" He whispered broken. He left my room and the tears I had held in slipped down my face. I wiped my face with the back of my hand, and tried to smile. I knew I had done the right thing. I knew Logan didn't really love me. He just didn't want to lose me as his best friend, and if it took pretending to be in love with me to keep it that way then so be it.

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Logan's P.O.V

I walked from Kendall's room tears streaming down my face. I should be happy. He was finally awake however I know that without him remembering he loved me all the visits, the worrying, hell maybe even the call to save him, were worth nothing. What exactly did I fight to save him for? Yeah he was best friend but anyone who would look at could obviously tell there was something more between us then friendship. Even if they couldn't put a finger on what it was anyone could tell how close we were. True I was oblivious and blind when it came to what it really was that I felt for him, but him just by saying he loved me changed my whole outlook on our friendship. Hell we'd known each other so long we may as well be brothers.

Never mind scratch that. It's weird to think of him as my brother when I kissed him, and wanted nothing more but to kiss him again. Let's think of a different word. How about Soul Mates? Yes we've known each other long enough that I could call him soul mate. With him my spirit jumped and moved within me, without him it was simply tiresome and ready to sleep until I could meet with him again. I was sure that if I couldn't get him to remember he loved me my spirit would forever be resting in its deathbed wondering when his bright face will finally appear, or when his soft pink lips will move against mine.

Without him my spirit was nothing but a bitter old man. You know that old man everyone doesn't think much about, that secretly is locked away in his house because he's depressed wondering when his time to die will actually come; the elderly male that seems to hate young kids because their youth reminded him of better days.

That's exactly my spirit now that I can't have my Kendall. It hates life and wants to float away into whatever waited on the other side of this vile world. It wants to be what everyone refers to as paradise.

Hell maybe my spirit will even be unhappy there. Okay enough figurative language. My life is not a poem let's keep this straight forward.

Here's what I know. Number one I love Kendall, Kendall Loves me but he can't remember he loves me. Second thing on my "know it" list, it hurts to know Kendall doesn't remember. The third and probably most important thing on list, I had to make him remember. Finally I had no idea as to how I would make it happen.

**Ending Note: Hmm is it just me or does this chapter seem shorter. Well okay there's that chapter never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**

**For followed readers: Will probably updated Borken Down In Kentucky tomorrow!**


	8. Spilling Confessions

**Author's Note: So I took some time to fully analyze this story and I just realized. Excuse my French but, HOLY FUCK! I made their lives so twisted I mean first Kendall was cutting because he loved Logan, then he ran away and attempted suicide, and then Logan actually really loved him and then Kendall went into a three month coma then he woke up and "forgot" He loved Logan when really he remembered the whole time and Now and Logan is running around trying to make Kendall remember, while Kendall really is still depressed because he's actually still unconditionally in love with him. I bet you're wondering why I am freaking out about this now. Well if you must know I never map out my stories. All of it just comes off the top of my head. Wow you guys must think I'm crazy now. Hence my penname. Oh well I'm going to shut up and get on with it- Never Let your imagination die, CrazyMary01**

**P.S is in Kendall's P.O.V.**

**P.P.S please excuse any typos I only managed to proof read this once. I usually do it twice and even then I manage to miss A BUNCH. Anyone want to be my Beta :)**

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Chapter Eight- Spilling Confessions

Later that day when the doctors made sure that everything within my brain seemed to be in order they sent me home with my mother, and now here I am laying in my bed, crying for what seemed to be the millionth time. It hurt so much to lie through my teeth, but I had to. I couldn't allow my best friend to believe he loved me out of a guilty conscious. Although when he kissed me I couldn't deny I would give anything to kiss him all the time.

Well not everything. If that were to be the case then I would've just been like "By golly let's go on and live happily ever after." But if I did that I know one of two things would happen. Number one Logan would tell himself he loved me until he finally would except that he was doing all this out of guilt and then leave me broken hearted. Number two Logan already knew of his guilty conscious. Therefore he would pretend to love me, and be happy with me because he felt he owed me the favor.

I've always believed in free will, and allowing someone to be my slave of love because I tried to kill myself would not be the definition of free well. In fact that's the antonym of free will. I would go back to suffering in silence and eventually Logan will go back to being the popular ladies' man of South High, and yes me and my trusted razors will once again be reunited. I can guarantee you that. However first I needed to let this damn suicide watch blow over. And let me tell you something I hope it blows over soon.

There was a soft tap at the door and I wiped the tears out of my eyes. I hated for people to see me cry. I'm sure death couldn't even change that.

"Kendall," The voice I heard was new, and foreign.

"Come in," I said softly. A lady stepped through my door closing it behind her. She wore a waist skirt with white blouse tucked in and her blonde hair flowed down to her waist. She was pretty I won't deny that. However when I saw the clip board I knew she was the lady who was supposed to "cure" my mental illness called depression. At least that's what the doctors said it was. I knew that wasn't true. I wasn't depressed. I was simply a soul without love.

"Hi I'm Doctor Sarah Wilder and I'm a therapist for young teens in depression."

"Well I'm not a young teen. I'm pretty much grown up. I think you're looking for a brunette girl down the way. You know brown eyes, slept with my best friend."

Shit did I just say that did I REALLY just say that! I was supposed to have forgotten about that. Dammit Kendall your lie is already becoming clear.

"Kendall I understand you're not happy with this but you need help, now apparently your little sister did something with your best friend, would you mind telling me about that," She helped herself to a seat across the room.

"Why should I?" I said without emotion "I just met you."

"Kendall I'm only here to help. Look I don't expect you to tell me your deepest darkest secrets, and anything like that kid, however I do expect you to open enough to where I can help you cope with this," My deepest darkest secrets is what I'm trying to cope with. How about you give me a razor. Then I'll cope fine. "Now when did your best friend and sister sleep together?" I stayed silent. "I assure you everything is confidential." Well at least that was good.

"Well it happened three months and a week ago. However I didn't figure out until right before my attempted suicide." Mine as well open up. If I give them what they want they'll all be gone faster. She pursed her lips as she looked at sheets on the clip board.

"Funny, it says anything at least two days before the attempted suicide you forgot," She raised an eye brow at me. Shit dammit I knew this would happen.

"Um well you know sometimes you remember things here and there what can I say."

"No Mr. Knight, I think there's more to the story then you're letting on." I stayed quiet she had called my bluff I'll let her guess whether or not she's right. "So when you figured out how did the situation make you feel?" she asked.

"Pissed," I replied.

"And why is that," Yeah sorry lady. I'm not going to answer that one.

"I don't know." I replied staring at the wall. I could feel her gaze on me watching me to call another bluff.

"Well how did you find out?" Well let's take a trip down memory road shall we.

"Well I had been cutting myself for a while, and he came in because we had plans and caught me with a razor, and well we decided it was confession time, and so he confessed that he had slept with my sister."

"And what did you confess Kendall?" Damn her and her fucking questions

"Eh I had nothing" I said fighting back the tears from confessing my never ending love for my best friend. She studied my face and I knew she saw the pools in my eyes.

"Really?" She asked doubtfully.

"Y-yeah" I stuttered out.

"Well I think you're lying." She said "Kendall I remind you anything you tell me doesn't leave this room." Suddenly something within me in snap and I shouted at her.

"YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHY MY LIFE HAS BEEN A LIVING HELL AND WHY I WAS PISSED AT MY BEST FRIEND FOR SLEEPING WITH MY SISTER. IT WASN'T EVEN BECAUSE SHE WAS FIFTEEN; TRUTH IS HALF THE FUCKING SCARS ARE FROM MY BEST FRIEND! I WAS PISSED BECAUSE IT WAS MY SISTER, AND NOT ME. I'M IN LOVE WITH FUCKING LOGAN MITCHELL AND IT FUCKING HURTS!" All a sudden glass shattered and I looked inside my door way to find my mother staring at me with wide eyes and her jaw dropped to the floor where the tea she was bringing me now sat.

"What?"

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**A/N: EHH not to sure how good this was. Review.**


	9. Adding Scars Fades The Pain

**Author's Note: I apologize for any missed typos. My phone doesn't have spell check... Never let your imagination die CrazyMary01.**

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Chapter 9 -Adding Scars Fades the Pain

"What do you mean you love Logan?" She asked. The horror is evident on her face, as well as the shock. I don't know what to say. The ability to speak has suddenly left me.

The therapist has now left the room.

"I-I-I-" she cuts me off before I can explain.

"Kendall no stuttering. Just answer the question"

"I- it's just that mom. I-I love him." I see tears form in her eyes. Her objection and distaste of my "decision" has been made clear.

"Kendall we need to get you better. Y-you're just confused honey."

"Mom I don't think confusion can last for years." The statement comes out as a whisper, and it's almost as if I can hear the seams of my mother's heart split, breaking it in two. A whimper escapes her mouth.

"Sure it can. I mean with how much time you spend with Logan. Y-You're not gay honey."

"You're right," I see hope shine in her eyes. I know that will only last for a second. "I'm bisexual." The tears now flow in endless streams, and I regret saying anything. I regret not taking the chance she gave me to crawl under a rock, and to accept "confusion" as the only possible outlook. Even if I know there's not a doubt in my mind.

"My only hope w-was that you would be normal." she cries.

"Why does loving him make me so different?" The tears are now flowing down my cheeks despite my efforts to stay strong.

"It's not natural!" She screams. Her change in mood makes me cringe. She continues. "Nowhere in the Bible does it say it's okay to be a fag" I cry a little more and I contemplate mentioning the fact she hadn't gone to church in at least seven years. "Even if it's only half gay," She adds, remembering that I said "bisexual"

I'm lost for words. However not from shock. Her reaction was very much expected. I am in fear. In fear of saying something and losing my mother. Fear of losing my home, fear of losing my best friend. So much fear wraps around me it's almost impossible to think. I wanted a razor so badly my knees shook.

She leaves the room so I can "think her words of wisdom over." And I rush for the bathroom. I take a brief look in the mirror. Dry and wet tear tracks stain my face. My eyes are bloodshot red, and my hair is matted from days of not being brushed. I move my gaze from the mirror to the crisscross scars on my wrist. What could one more scar hurt? In my eyes not a damn thing. I grab the shaving razor. My mom was supposed to be supervising me whenever I used the blade. However at the moment it seems my mother could care less if I was dead or alive. I stared at my shiny, sharp long lost friend for a few minutes, with an idiotic smile on my face.

It was almost as if I could feel the sharp metal embracing me, welcoming me home. And when I slash the blade through my wrist a familiar bitter sweet emotion runs through my veins. It makes shivers of pleasure run up my spine. So I figure what the hell? One more scar.

As I slash my wrist my mind is screaming "numb the pain! Numb the pain!" I am more than happy to comply. I keep, slashing until the voice is stilled, and the white skink is stained scarlet red. I walk down the hall to the linen closet and I wrap a towel around my wrist. I walk back to my room with a genuine smile. I lay my blood stained friend down, and I laugh. And I laugh hard. I laugh because I feel relieved. I laugh because I know Kendall has returned to me. I laugh because for the first time since I woke up, I actually called him my best friend.

I wondered what he was doing. I desperately needed to hear from him. He did after all still think I had no idea I "used to" be madly in love with him.

I grab my phone from my pocket. Just dialing the number makes my heart pump. He answers on the second ring.

"Hey Logie" I say. There is a minute of silence. He is probably as surprised at the cheery edge in my voice, as I am.

"Kendall," He screams my name as if relief has flooded over him. "I've been meaning to call you. Do you think we could hang?"

"Sure. I ain't got anything going on. Why don't I stop by right now?" There's a pause on the other end. For a moment I wonder if he has chosen to hang up. However his breathing gave his presence away.

"Um yeah... Hey can I clean my room first" I snort

"Since when do you clean your room when I come over?"

"Since now. I'll call you when I'm done."

"Whatever dude. You better call me." I hear the line disconnect and I sigh. I missed his voice already.

Logan's P.O.V

As I disconnect the line to my heart I cry. I wondered if, when he knew that he loved me, he felt the same way, when the line disconnected. I wonder if he hurt when we were together, when he knew it was nothing more than a friendship. Well I take that back. I knew he had to have been hurting. Why else would he cut over me? I look to my bed side table and I see his smiling face.

I didn't notice it last year, when the picture had first been taken, but now his lifeless eyes seem all too familiar.

I mentally kicked myself for not noticing something was up. I was supposed to be his best friend after all. Part of me knows I can't change the past. However the other part can't ignore how differently I wished it would've gone. I look closely and somehow the faint scratches stick out like a neon color in a dull platter.

I don't notice my eyes are watering until I feel a single, salty tear run down my chin. I wipe them away. Now was not the time for crying it was time for cleaning.

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**Author's Note: So did that make up for the couple months of no update? :)**


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